​ACT I

SCENE I. Before LEONATO'S house.

Enter LEONATO, HERO, and BEATRICE, with a Messenger
​
LEONATO
I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon
comes this night to Messina.


MESSENGER
He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off
when I left him.
LEONATO
How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
​
MESSENGER
But few of any sort, and none of name.
LEONATO
A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings
home full numbers. I find here that Don Pedro hath
bestowed much honour on a young Florentine called Claudio.
MESSENGER
Much deserved on his part and equally remembered by
Don Pedro: he hath borne himself beyond the
promise of his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb,
the feats of a lion: he hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must expect of me to tell you how.
LEONATO
He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much
glad of it.
MESSENGER
I have already delivered him letters, and there
appears much joy in him; even so much that joy could
not show itself modest enough without a badge of
bitterness.
LEONATO
Did he break out into tears?
MESSENGER
In great measure.
LEONATO
A kind overflow of kindness: there are no faces
truer than those that are so washed. How much
better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping!

BEATRICE
I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the
wars or no?

MESSENGER
I know none of that name, lady: there was none such
in the army of any sort.
LEONATO
What is he that you ask for, niece?
HERO
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
MESSENGER
O, he's returned; and as pleasant as ever he was. 

BEATRICE
He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged
Cupid at the flight; and my uncle's fool, reading
the challenge, subscribed for Cupid, and challenged
him at the bird-bolt. I pray you, how many hath he
killed and eaten in these wars? But how many hath
he killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing.


LEONATO
Faith, niece, you tax Signior Benedick too much;
but he'll be meet with you, I doubt it not.

MESSENGER
He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
BEATRICE
You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it:
he is a very valiant trencherman; he hath an
excellent stomach.
MESSENGER
And a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE
And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord?

MESSENGER
A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all
honourable virtues.
BEATRICE
It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man:
but for the stuffing,--well, we are all mortal.
LEONATO
You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a
kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her:
they never meet but there's a skirmish of wit
between them.
BEATRICE
Alas! he gets nothing by that. In our last
conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and
now is the whole man governed with one: so that if
he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him
bear it for a difference between himself and his
horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left,
to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his
companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
MESSENGER
Is't possible?
BEATRICE
Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as
the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the
next block.
MESSENGER
I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
BEATRICE
No; an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray
you, who is his companion? Is there no young
squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil?
MESSENGER
He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
BEATRICE
O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he
is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker
runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio! if
he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a
thousand pound ere a' be cured.
MESSENGER
I will hold friends with you, lady.
BEATRICE
Do, good friend.
LEONATO
You will never run mad, niece.
​
BEATRICE
No, not till a hot January.
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is approached.

Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, and BALTHASAR

DON PEDRO
Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your
trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid
cost, and you encounter it.

LEONATO
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of
your grace: for trouble being gone, comfort should
remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides
and happiness takes his leave.
DON PEDRO
You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this
is your daughter.
LEONATO
Her mother hath many times told me so.
BENEDICK
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?

LEONATO
Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.


DON PEDRO
You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this
what you are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers
herself. Be happy, lady; for you are like an
honourable father.

​
LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking.
​
BENEDICK
If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not
have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as
like him as she is.
BEATRICE
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior
Benedick: nobody marks you.
BENEDICK
What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?
BEATRICE
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath
such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?
Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come
in her presence.
BENEDICK
Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I
am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I
would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard
heart; for, truly, I love none.
BEATRICE
A dear happiness to women: they would else have
been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God
and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I
had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man
swear he loves me.
BENEDICK
God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some
gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate
scratched face.
BEATRICE
Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such
a face as yours were.
BENEDICK
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
BEATRICE
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
BENEDICK
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and
so good a continuer. But keep your way, i' God's
name; I have done.
BEATRICE
You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.


LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward

DON PEDRO
That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio
and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath
invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at
the least a month; and he heartily prays some
occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is no
hypocrite, but prays from his heart.
LEONATO
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn.

To DON JOHN

Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to
the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
DON JOHN
I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank
you.
LEONATO
Please it your grace lead on?
DON PEDRO
Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.

Exeunt all except BENEDICK and CLAUDIO

CLAUDIO
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?
BENEDICK
I noted her not; but I looked on her.
CLAUDIO
Is she not a modest young lady?
BENEDICK
Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for
my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak
after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
CLAUDIO
No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
BENEDICK
Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high
praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little
for a great praise: only this commendation I can
afford her, that were she other than she is, she
were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I
do not like her.
CLAUDIO
Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me
truly how thou likest her.
BENEDICK
Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?
CLAUDIO
Can the world buy such a jewel?

BENEDICK
Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this
with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack,
to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a
rare carpenter? Come, in what key shall a man take
you, to go in the song?
CLAUDIO
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I
looked on.
BENEDICK
I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such
matter: there's her cousin, an she were not
possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December. But I hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?

CLAUDIO
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the contrary, if Hero would be my wife.
BENEDICK
Is't come to this? In faith, hath not the world
one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion?
Shall I never see a bachelor of three-score again?
Go to, i' faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck
into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away
Sundays. Look Don Pedro is returned to seek you.

Re-enter DON PEDRO

DON PEDRO
What secret hath held you here, that you followed
not to Leonato's?
BENEDICK
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
DON PEDRO
I charge thee on thy allegiance.

BENEDICK
You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb man; I would have you think so; but, on my
allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance. He is
in love. With who? now that is your grace's part.
Mark how short his answer is;--With Hero, Leonato's short daughter.
CLAUDIO
If this were so, so were it uttered.
BENEDICK
Like the old tale, my lord: 'it is not so, nor
'twas not so, but, indeed, God forbid it should be
so.'
CLAUDIO
If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it
should be otherwise.
DON PEDRO
Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.

CLAUDIO
You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
DON PEDRO
By my troth, I speak my thought.
CLAUDIO
And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.

BENEDICK
And, by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.

CLAUDIO
That I love her, I feel.
DON PEDRO
That she is worthy, I know.
BENEDICK
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor
know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me: I will die in it at the stake.
DON PEDRO
Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite
of beauty.
CLAUDIO
And never could maintain his part but in the force
of his will.
BENEDICK
That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she
brought me up, I likewise give her most humble
thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my
forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick,
all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do
them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the
right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which
I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.

DON PEDRO
I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
BENEDICK
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord,
not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood
with love than I will get again with drinking, pick
out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and hang me
up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of
blind Cupid.
DON PEDRO
Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou
wilt prove a notable argument.
BENEDICK
If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot
at me; and he that hits me, let him be clapped on
the shoulder, and called Adam.
DON PEDRO
Well, as time shall try: 'In time the savage bull
doth bear the yoke.'
BENEDICK
The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible
Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set
them in my forehead: and let me be vilely painted,
and in such great letters as they write 'Here is
good horse to hire,' let them signify under my sign
'Here you may see Benedick the married man.'
CLAUDIO
If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.
DON PEDRO
Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in
Venice, thou wilt quake for this shortly.

BENEDICK
I look for an earthquake too, then.
DON PEDRO
Well, you temporize with the hours. In the
meantime, good Signior Benedick, repair to
Leonato's: commend me to him and tell him I will
not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made
great preparation.
BENEDICK
I have almost matter enough in me for such an
embassage; and so I commit you--
CLAUDIO
To the tuition of God: From my house, if I had it,--
DON PEDRO
The sixth of July: Your loving friend, Benedick.
BENEDICK
Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your
discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere you flout old ends any further, examine your
conscience: and so I leave you.


Exit


CLAUDIO
My liege, your highness now may do me good.
DON PEDRO
My love is thine to teach: teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
CLAUDIO
Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
DON PEDRO
No child but Hero; she's his only heir.
Dost thou affect her, Claudio?
CLAUDIO
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I look'd upon her with a soldier's eye,
That liked, but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love:
But now I am return'd and that war-thoughts
Have left their places vacant, in their rooms
Come thronging soft and delicate desires,
All prompting me how fair young Hero is,
Saying, I liked her ere I went to wars.
DON PEDRO
Thou wilt be like a lover presently 
And tire the hearer with a book of words.
If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,
And I will break with her and with her father,
And thou shalt have her. Was't not to this end
That thou began'st to twist so fine a story?
CLAUDIO
How sweetly you do minister to love,
That know love's grief by his complexion!
But lest my liking might too sudden seem,
I would have salved it with a longer treatise.
DON PEDRO
What need the bridge much broader than the flood?
The fairest grant is the necessity.
Look, what will serve is fit: 'tis once, thou lovest,
And I will fit thee with the remedy.
I know we shall have revelling to-night:
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio,
And in her bosom I'll unclasp my heart
And take her hearing prisoner with the force
And strong encounter of my amorous tale:
Then after to her father will I break;
And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.
In practise let us put it presently.
Exeunt

ACT I

SCENE I. Before LEONATO'S house.

Enter LEONATO, HERO, and BEATRICE, with a Messenger
​
​LEONATO
(holding a letter) According to this letter, 
DON “Don” is the Italian equivalent of “Sir” or “Lord.” Don Pedro of Aragon and his army are coming to Messina tonight.
MESSENGER
He must be very near by now. When I left him, he was less than nine miles from here.
LEONATO
How many noblemen were killed in the battle you just fought?
MESSENGER
Not many, and no one important.
LEONATO
A victory in battle is twice as victorious when all the soldiers return home safely. This letter also says that Don Pedro has given honors to a young man from Florence named Claudio.
MESSENGER
Claudio deserves to be honored, and Don Pedro has rewarded him accordingly. Claudio has done more than anyone would expect of a man his age. He looks like a lamb but fights like a lion. He has so greatly exceeded all expectations that I can’t even describe all he’s done.
LEONATO
He has an uncle here in Messina who will be glad to hear this news.
MESSENGER
I have delivered some letters to his uncle, and he seemed very happy. He got so emotional that he actually looked like he was in pain.

LEONATO
Did he start weeping?
MESSENGER
Yes, heavily.
LEONATO
That’s a very natural display of affection. There’s no face more sincere than one washed in tears. And it’s definitely better to cry because you’re happy than laugh because you’re sad!
BEATRICE
Please tell me, has Signior MOUNTANTO (“Montanto” is a fencing term for an upward thrust)  returned from battle?
MESSENGER
I don’t know anyone with that name, ma'am. There was no Signior Mountanto in our army.
LEONATO
Who are you talking about, niece?
HERO
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
MESSENGER
Oh, yes, Benedick has returned and is as cheerful as ever.
BEATRICE
Benedick (The exact meaning of this story is unclear, but it depicts Benedick as a braggart and a fool)
Benedick once put up a public notice in Messina challenging Cupid to an archery match. My uncle’s jester accepted the contest on Cupid’s behalf but used toy arrows at the shooting match. But tell me, how many men did he kill and eat in this battle? I promised him I would eat anyone he killed.
LEONATO
For God’s sake, Beatrice, you’re criticizing Signior Benedick too heavily. But I’m sure he’ll get even with you.
MESSENGER
Signior Benedick served well in the war, my lady.
BEATRICE
You had rotten food, and he helped you eat it. He’s a very brave eater—he has a strong stomach.

MESSENGER
He’s a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE
He’s a good soldier compared to a lady? Well then, what is he to a lord?
MESSENGER
He’s a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He is positively stuffed with honorable virtues.
BEATRICE
Absolutely—he is stuffed, like a dummy. As for what he’s stuffed with—well, nobody’s perfect.
LEONATO
Please don’t take my niece the wrong way, sir. Benedick and Beatrice have been waging a war of wits between themselves. Whenever they meet, there’s a little battle.

BEATRICE
And I always win. The last time we fought, he was so dazed by the end that he wasn’t much smarter than his horse. So tell me, who is he hanging around with these days? Every month he has a new best friend.





MESSENGER
Is that possible?
BEATRICE
It’s entirely possible. He’s incredibly fickle—his affection changes faster than the latest fashions.

MESSENGER
I can see you don’t like this gentleman.
BEATRICE
No, absolutely not. But please tell me, who’s his best friend? Isn’t there some new swaggering young ruffian who will happily go to hell with Benedick?

MESSENGER
He spends most of his time with the good, noble Claudio.
BEATRICE
Oh God, Benedick will plague him like a disease! Benedick is an infection that’s easy to catch but hard to get rid of—and he’ll drive you crazy once you’ve been infected. God help Claudio! If he’s caught the Benedick, he’ll lose all his money before he’s cured.
MESSENGER
I’m going to make sure I stay on your good side, lady.
BEATRICE
Do that, my friend.
LEONATO
You will never fall victim to Benedick’s charms, my niece.
BEATRICE
No, not until we see a hot January.
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is here.
DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon, enters with CLAUDIO, BENEDICK,BALTHASAR, and DON JOHN  the bastard
(Don John is Don Pedro’s illegitimate half-brother).

​DON PEDRO
My dear Signior Leonato, hosting my whole army is such a huge burden, but you accept it—and me—with open arms. Most people choose to avoid trouble, but you run to it.
LEONATO
You are never trouble to this house, your Grace. It’s comforting when trouble departs. But when you leave, you take happiness with you and leave sorrow in its place.
DON PEDRO
You take up your duties too cheerfully. (turning to HERO) This must be your daughter.
LEONATO
That’s what her mother always tells me.
BENEDICK
Did you doubt that she was your daughter, since you had to ask her mother?
LEONATO
(teasing) Of course not, Signior Benedick. You were only a child when my daughter was born, and not yet old enough to seduce my wife.
ON PEDRO
Ah, he got you back, Benedick! Leonato clearly knows your reputation with women. Seriously, though, the lady resembles Leonato so much that there can be no doubt about who her father is. Congratulations, lady: you resemble a most honorable man.

LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking.

BENEDICK
Well, even if he is her father, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to have the head of the old man on her shoulders!

BEATRICE
I’m amazed you’re still talking, Signior Benedick. No one’s listening to you.
BENEDICK
Look, it’s my dear Lady Disdain! Aren’t you dead yet?
BEATRICE
How could disdain die when you’re here? When you’re around, even Lady Courtesy becomes Lady Disdain.


BENEDICK
That makes Lady Courtesy a traitor. All ladies love me, except you. It’s too bad I’m so hard-hearted, because I really don’t love anyone.

BEATRICE
Women are lucky, then. You would make a nasty suitor. Thankfully, I feel the same way you do. I have no need for romance. I would rather listen to my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear that he loves me.

BENEDICK
Well, I hope you stay in that frame of mind or some poor man will end up with his face all scratched up.

BEATRICE
If he has a face like yours, a good scratching couldn’t make him look any worse.
BENEDICK
Listen to you, instructing me like a parrot would.
BEATRICE
I’d rather be a squawking bird than an animal like you.
BENEDICK
I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth and was as tireless. That’s it—I’m done.

BEATRICE
You always slip out of the argument like this. I know you from before.

LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward

DON PEDRO
And that’s everything, Leonato.—Claudio, Benedick—my dear friend Leonato has invited you all to stay here at Messina. I told him we’ll stay for at least a month, and he says that he hopes we’ll stay longer. I think he’s actually serious, and not just being polite.

LEONATO
I am being serious, my lord. (to DON JOHN) I welcome you here as well. Now that you and your brother have made friends again, I owe you the same allegiance I owe Don Pedro.

DON JOHN
Thank you. I’m not a man who talks a lot, but I thank you.

LEONATO
If it pleases you, your highness, will you lead us all inside?
DON PEDRO
Give me your hand, Leonato. We will go in together.

Everyone exits except BENEDICK and CLAUDIO.

CLAUDIO
Benedick, did you notice Signior Leonato’s daughter?

BENEDICK
I saw her, but I didn’t notice her.
CLAUDIO
Isn’t she a well-mannered young lady?
BENEDICK
Do you want my true opinion? Or do you want me to criticize her like I do all women?


CLAUDIO
No, please, speak seriously.
BENEDICK
Well, it seems to me that she is too short to be praised highly, too dark to be praised fairly, and too small to be praised greatly. I can only say this about her: if she looked different than she does, she would be ugly, and since she can’t be anything but herself, I don’t like her.

CLAUDIO
You think I’m kidding. Please tell me seriously what you think of her.
BENEDICK
Are you thinking of buying her? Is that why you’re asking?
CLAUDIO
Would it even be possible to buy a jewel as rare and precious as Hero?
BENEDICK
Yes, and you could buy a case to put it in, too. But tell me, are you speaking seriously? Or are you just teasing? If I’m going to sing along with you, I need to know what key you’re singing in.

CLAUDIO
I think she’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
BENEDICK
I’m still young enough to see without glasses, and I don’t see what you’re talking about. If her cousin Beatrice didn’t have such a nasty temper, she’d be so much more beautiful than Hero that it would be like comparing May to December. But, hey, this doesn’t mean you’re looking to get married, does it?
CLAUDIO
Even if I had sworn never to marry, I wouldn’t trust myself to keep that promise if Hero would marry me.
BENEDICK
What’s going on these days? Isn’t there one man left in the world who knows not to take a wife? She’s just going to cheat on him. Will I never see a sixty-year old bachelor again or will all men be swindled into marriage while they’re young? Go ahead, then, if you have to yoke yourself to marriage, like an ox carrying his load, and throw away your free time. Look, Don Pedro has come back for you.

DON PEDRO
What secrets between you have kept you from following us to Leonato’s?
BENEDICK
Your highness will have to force me to tell.
DON PEDRO
Your loyalty to me requires you to tell me what you’ve been talking about.
BENEDICK
Look, Claudio, I can keep secrets like a mute; I want you to know that. But I owe Don Pedro my allegiance—look, I have to tell him—(to DON PEDRO) Claudio is in love. With whom? That’s what you’re supposed to ask me next, your Grace. Look how short the answer is—with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
CLAUDIO
If you say so.
BENEDICK
Listen to him deny it, like that man in the old tale “Mr. Fox”: “It isn’t true and wasn’t true and God forbid it should be so.”
CLAUDIO
Unless my feelings change very soon, I have to admit it’s true.
DON PEDRO
It’s good if you love Hero, because she’s worthy of your love.
CLAUDIO
You’re trying to trick me, my lord.
DON PEDRO
I swear, I’m telling you what I honestly think.
CLAUDIO
And I swear I spoke honestly to Benedick—I am in love with Hero.
BENEDICK
And I swear all up and down I spoke honestly when I said that this was a horrible idea.
CLAUDIO
I feel that I love her.
DON PEDRO
I know that she is worthy of that love.
BENEDICK
I, on the other hand, don’t feel how she could be loved and don’t know how she could be worthy. Even fire can’t melt that opinion out of me. You could burn me at the stake, and I’d still think this.
DON PEDRO
You never did believe in the power of beauty.

CLAUDIO
Or in the power of reason.

BENEDICK
I was conceived by a woman, and I thank her very much for all her effort. And then she brought me up, and I thank her for that, too. But all the other women will have to forgive me for not being willing to be made a fool of—cheated on by a wife. I don’t want to insult any particular woman by doubting and mistrusting her, so I’ll just avoid them all. And the conclusion of this is that I’ll live as a bachelor—and, with the money I save, dress better.

DON PEDRO
I swear, before I die I’m going to see you sick with love.
BENEDICK
With anger, with fever, or with hunger, sure, my friend, but never sick with love. If you can prove that I’ll ever be so in love that I can’t be brought to my senses with a good round of beers, you can pluck out my eyes with a love-poet’s pen and hang me on a brothel’s door where the picture of blind Cupid usually goes.
DON PEDRO
I’ll be sure to remember this fuss you’ve made, in case you ever do fall in love. That’ll be news.
BENEDICK
If I ever change my mind, you can use me for target practice. And whoever hits the bull’s eye gets to be a hero.

DON PEDRO
Well, time will tell. Even the most savage bull is eventually domesticated.
BENEDICK
Maybe the bull is, but if I am ever domesticated, you can take that bull’s horns and put them right on my forehead, as my wife is sure to cuckold me soon enough. You might as well hang a big sign with enormous lettering around my neck. But instead of it saying “Horse for hire,” it will say “Take a look at Benedick, the married man.”
CLAUDIO
If that ever happened, you’d go absolutely mad.
DON PEDRO
Well, if Cupid hasn’t used up all his arrows in Venice, where the courtesans are famous for making men lovesick, he’ll get you to quiver and shake. Just you wait.
BENEDICK
That’s about as likely as an earthquake.
DON PEDRO
Oh, you’ll soften as time passes. While you’re waiting for that to happen, though, hurry to Leonato’s. Give him my respects, and tell him I’ll definitely be there for dinner, since I know he has gone to great lengths for this meal.

BENEDICK
I think I can handle this mission. And so I commit you--

CLAUDIO
“Into God’s hands. From my house, if I had a house—”
DON PEDRO
“The sixth of July. Sincerely, your loving friend, Benedick.”
BENEDICK
Oh, stop joking around. You know, sometimes you two dress up your conversation with flimsy little bits of wit that don’t hold together too well. Before you make fun (Benedick and Claudio are making fun of the fact that “I commit you” is, in Shakespeare’s time, a common way to end a formal letter) of everyone else, look at yourselves in the mirror! And with that, I’m leaving.

He exits.

CLAUDIO
My lord, you could really help me out now.
DON PEDRO
I am at your service. Just tell me what you want me to do, and however hard it is, you’ll see that I’m eager to do it.

CLAUDIO
Does Leonato have a son, my lord?
DON PEDRO
Hero is his only child, and his only heir. Do you like her, Claudio?
CLAUDIO
Oh, my lord, when we left Messina to fight the war, I looked at Hero with the eyes of a soldier. I liked what I saw, but my mind was so occupied with the rough, violent task ahead of me that there was no chance that like would turn into love. But now that I’m back, the room in my head that I used to fill with war plans has become crowded with soft and delicate feelings. They all lead me to the same thought—how beautiful young Hero is and how I must have liked her even before I left to fight.

DON PEDRO
You will become a true lover soon, and exhaust your friends with your endless chatter about your feelings. Look, if you really love the beautiful Hero, enjoy it. I will speak to her and her father about the matter, and I’ll convince Leonato to promise Hero to you. Isn’t that the reason you told me all this?
CLAUDIO
You can see that I’m sick with love, and you’re taking care of me in just the right way! But I didn’t want you to think that I’m hasty in my emotions. I was going to explain my feelings with a longer story.
DON PEDRO
Why speak longer than you have to? That’s like building a bridge wider than the river it crosses. Whatever gets the job done is best. You love Hero; that’s all I need to know to want to find a remedy. They’re going to have a costume party with dancing tonight. I’ll disguise myself as you and pour out “my” feelings to Hero, taking her prisoner with the force of my love story. Then I’ll talk to her father. And in the end, she’s yours! Let’s get started right away.